you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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