I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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