i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
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