im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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