I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
