well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
