The best revenge is premature balding
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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