someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
