Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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