census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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