My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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