Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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