I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
