im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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