It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
