i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize