i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She's the barista slut.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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