Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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