I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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