I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He felt like a one man threesome
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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