Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
