mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just found puke in my bra..
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
