we have pet lesbian snakes
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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