I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
