Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
