seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Still dying that you shit outside
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
