I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
