I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize