I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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