This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
