If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
