Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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