I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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