You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
