She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
