i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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