Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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