That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
