perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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