he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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