Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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