tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
