Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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