Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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