in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
