What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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