Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
