1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize