He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
