Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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