you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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