he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
