Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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