My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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