His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
