just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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