you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
