He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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