My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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