Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
